Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
ok first of all what the fuck
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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