Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
