just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
