Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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