WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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