I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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