I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
