I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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