I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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