I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
