I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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