I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
