they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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