My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
