The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
