No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
