is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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