The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
