I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
