Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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