perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
