We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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