i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
this is an emotional support booty call
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Randomize
