OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
