just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
third nipple confirmed
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
