I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
