I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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