i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Randomize
