I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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