i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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