May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
