Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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