I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
