last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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