I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
they're like a gay fantastic four
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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