she woke up with a sticky ear
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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