i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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