Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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