i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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