What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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