If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
