I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
