Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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