Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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