I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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