boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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