you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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