I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
