I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize