Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
is it fun? or sober?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
