piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
