I can tuck mytits in my pants
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
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