I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
