Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I am available for nakedness
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
