jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
