you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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